so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
