Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
