My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
