the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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