Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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