These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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