There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
