I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
