TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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