No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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