i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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