New low: just hacked my moms facebook
That's when you crack a 10am beer
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
