After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
