Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
