you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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