So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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