You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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