Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
