So drunk, too bad you don't want this
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
