i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
