i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
