Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Alive.
So much puke
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
