What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
