Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
