Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
