I wish my penis had an off switch
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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