If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
