I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
