The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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