can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
