cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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