If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
