you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
