I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
