happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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