Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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