Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Someone came in the potted fern
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
