Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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