I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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