If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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