Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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