My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
