how hairy? two words: wookie tits
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
It's shark week go big or go home
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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