Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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