one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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