I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
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