Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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