Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
