I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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