When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
