Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
