I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
