My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
