Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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