if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
