if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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