Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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